Ep. 57 Perfectionism with Psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler

“This High Angular Resolution Diffusion Image (HARDI) of the human brain shows long distance connections, or tracts, grouped on the basis of their anatomical neighborhood.”

I remember distinctly when my therapist informed me that I’m a perfectionist. My reply was, “there’s no way do you see the coffee I have spilled down the front of my shirt right now? Plus I never could pull off an all white outfit.” Those were the qualifiers. You didn’t spill everything and would wear all white willingly sans fear. She then started rattling off a bunch of other stuff and I was like holy shit maybe I am?!

How could I be so flawed and a perfectionist? I barely dipped my toe into that exploration and promptly moved on to stuff I preferred to acknowledge. Stuff my brain had any idea on how to chew on it. Perfectionism was shelved.

I didn’t really know Katherine when I read her book. We had been introduced, she agreed to come on the pod, we had some fun email exchanges but I was completely unprepared for how much I would love her, her book or how deeply it would resonate with me (it truly must have for me to use the word resonate cause barf). I could endlessly quote her book. However I will forever and ever (amen) be grateful to her for this quote:

We broadcast implicit gender-performance expectations by nestling them into everyday language (i.e., “working mom”). Language also serves a regulatory function by reinforcing said expectations through varying degrees of punishment and reward, including the “reward” of no punishment. For example, deviating from implicit gender-performance expectations of appearing to be a healthy, balanced woman brands you a “hot mess” (a punishment). Incorporating gratuitous exclamation points into your email etiquette means no one can call you a “bitch” (the “reward” of no punishment).

Yes, there are women who subvert gender-performance expectations to successfully gain industry respect and power, but these women do so at tremendous personal and professional cost—not at tremendous risk; the risk is bypassed into immediate cost

Plainly put a lot of what Katherine’s putting down is very much my shit. I hope it’s yours too. Take the quiz, find out if you are a perfectionist, read the book, enjoy Katherine. Katherine and I have already recorded another episode on joy that’s coming out in a few weeks so more to come!

xx. A

Some things:

An essay on perfectionism and organizing

Different strengths coming together

How to get out of a rut

What comes after ambition?

What if you lost your mind?