***Trigger/Content Warning, discussion of weight loss, dieting**
I mean I doubt anyone has been puzzling that hard over where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to but today’s episode is the grand reveal! I had weight loss surgery. Specifically a vertical gastric sleeve. I spent literal decades vehemently opposed to the idea of it and then came around to really it was the only option for what my body needed. Harrumph. What is a fat girl to do?
What I did not expect is…..I feel great. It’s been hard, but it’s also been really rewarding. I did not count on or expect the level of confidence it has helped me find in myself and my body. I am so proud of what we have been able to do and accomplish. If you had told me I could stick to liquids for over 4 weeks AND THRIVE I would have told you that you were insane and giving me too much credit but guess what I can and I have.
Bodies, weight, dieting, I haven’t really changed my viewpoint on a lot of it. I think a lot of it’s bad and toxic and most of us have a complicated relationship with food, consumption and body image. I think diet and weight loss culture is a real weapon of the patriarchy and white supremacy. If people are worrying about how much literal physical space they’re taking up they can’t worry about other things like pursuing their dreams or systemic forms of oppression. Diet culture is and remains toxic, however in my hatred for it I lost sight of my health. I believe in health at any size, however sometimes ideals and physical truths do not match up.
The truth is my weight played a direct role in my being unhealthy and with compromised mobility. I wasn’t healthy at any size. I was struggling and not where I wanted to be for myself or my life. When my father died of a heart attack at 50, I was 16 and 50 felt a long way away. At 42 soon to be 43 when I started really thinking okay if you die the same way in 7-8 years you gonna feel good about that or wish you had been open to different solutions/treatment? I was scared I was going to die or have a severely compromised old age. I felt I had to do something drastic in order to pull myself back from the ledge. I was starting to have health complications: diabetes, high triglycerides, insulin resistance, and as much as I wanted to stay practicing intuitive eating I don’t think for me it physically works. It intuitively lead me to my highest recorded adult weight. I have a history of eating disorders and in some ways I used those to protect myself from really dealing with and acknowledging the weight gain. Don’t say anything about the weight gain baby has triggers! But baby’s blood work was also suggesting it was time to radically take my health seriously. I didn’t trust myself to really be able to navigate taking ownership of my body. Living in a larger body everyone thinks they know better than you do and at some point I started to believe that. What did I know I couldn’t even get myself to a healthy weight? Is this rational? Nope, but is it how I felt, yes.
When I zoom out and think about my whole story, what surgery has given me is the tool I’ve wished for. There is no magical formula or silver bullet, but I have a tool that if used correctly can help me close the chapter on the life long story of battling my weight. Besides being scared of dying which was a cool new fear, (recommend it to no one) I was so worn out of dealing with this. I felt ready to put it to bed and I wanted the agency to not feel like my body is a problem to be fixed but just a body, one for me to love and honor.
People can say whatever they want or judge, and it’s worth noting a ton of body positive activists are in conventionally attractive bodies which does very little for anyone in a fat one, but if you’re not living it maybe ask yourself what’s the judgment about or rooted in? Until you’re living in a fat body I don’t really want to hear it or care what your take is. We’ve all become so quick to opinions and judgement but “feeling fat” is nothing like the lived experience of being fat. I’ve said as much to friends who discuss their body dysmorphia. No, fat people didn’t corner the market on body issues but a felt experience is different than a lived one. I can’t walk into most stores and buy clothes and if you can maybe own that privilege versus lamenting a nominal weight gain. Most of the body positivity movement does nothing for fat liberation. The truth is being fat is hard and makes every aspect of your life harder and I was ready to be done with that. I want to decide where that energy goes versus always designating it to combatting societal feelings about fat bodies or asserting my worthiness of respect in spite of my fatness. It’s exhausting, infuriating and enough of my very valuable time and energy has been consumed by it.
There are moments I feel like I let society win but then others I say think again cause you won’t break me systemic judgement. If this is how the game is played then I shall win rising as a slimmer phoenix from the ashes of fatness. Making this decision for myself, heavily researching it, interviewing surgeons, going to support groups, being on reddits, lots of soul searching… I have never been more convinced everyone should do what feels right for their body and we should all be more supportive in honoring that. People usually know what’s right for them. It’s when the external noise gets too loud they lose sight of that.
My greatest wish for myself and really all of humanity is that we feel free. I am hoping I have taken a step towards my own freedom.
xx. A
Some weighty resources that have helped me currently and in the past:
Aubrey Gordon FOREVER AND EVER AMEN, she’s brilliant, her books are brilliant and I love her podcast Maintenance Phase. I cannot wait to see the documentary she’s the subject of Your Fat Friend.
Tressie McMillan-Cottom’s work about beauty ideals has been SUPER illuminating and thinking a lot about that what society regards as beautiful helped me figure out what I define as beautiful and how much stake I wanted to put into that ideal. Love this interview and her book Thick.
Roxane Gay’s moving essay about her own decision to have weight loss surgery and really anything she’s ever written.
This episode of This American Life Tell Me I’m Fat is incredible and I remember when I heard it for the first time and I revisited it preparing for surgery. Lindy West, Elna Baker and Roxane Gay all guest and tell their stories.
Lindy West, her book Shrill and the show, both hugely comforted and impacted me. The week Lindy tried to eat like Gwyneth Paltrow is also a fun read.
Ep. 79 Anna Update