Anyone else’s introduction to Spring been a bit of a washing machine? Feeling sort of swished back and forth but eventually (finger’s crossed any day now) emerging clean? I love how much we forget as humans,“We are always losing more than we keep,” writes Sallie Tisdale about memory. I read that in Ann Friedman’s newsletter and sat sort of stumped for a second. We are always losing more than we keep. I keep coming back to this. As someone prone to wanting to keep ahold of everything all the time this truth and I have to dance pretty frequently. I have laughed so much at myself lately because it adds compassion into frustration and confusion. It allows me to see myself when I feel a little blurry. I keep forgetting I have been where I am before. I have been doing new things and felt uncomfortable before, I have had to make hard decisions that align with values before, and I wouldn’t say I looooove any of it but it’s not that big a deal if I quit trying to keep a hold of what was. If I let go and say let’s see what is, there’s an ease. If I fight it there’s a tension. If there is anything the pandemmy years have taught me let whatever is supposed to go, go, life is often better without it. It’s true out of sight, out of mind, what I am willing to relinquish reveals what I should really see.
Wash, wash, wash.
I pulled a card for us about April. The 5 of Pentacles. Wouldn’t say it’s a favorite of most tarot enthusiasts but like most things we fear it’s an illusion. It’s fearing loss, it’s feeling broke, it’s feeling alone, all these things, but really it’s an invitation to remind yourself things are temporary and really we lack nothing. Listen, I don’t want to gaslight anyone struggling, or who’s working jobs that pay nothing and drowning. That is real. You are suffering, however if you think this is unique to you or means something about you I would say the card is checking you there. You won’t always live paycheck to paycheck and you alone are not cursed to it. The 5 of Pentacles for April isn’t a curse, or doesn't mean we’re all going to go broke. It doesn’t mean we’re all spiritually bankrupt and alone in our pain. I love this in the explanation, “It is possible that this story is due for a shift.” Ain’t that the truth. Whenever I am positive that no one has suffered the way I am suffering, or no one has it as hard as I do in that moment I know I am feeding some kind of narrative but it’s just literally not possible. What might feel like less of a burden if I acknowledged myself? or validated my experience/pain/feelings you name it baybeeeee! Sky’s the limit. What story is ready to shift around suffering and worthiness?
Since the 5 of Pentacles is a bit….tense shall we say? 5’s in Tarot often are tense. They are moments if we choose to work with things differently than we have we often receive a gift for our torment. I asked the deck and how do we work with the 5 of Pentacles and it answered with Strength. Strength is one of my absolute favorite cards, but it has ZERO chill. There’s two big things to Strength, sorry I lied three. 1. it’s a Major so I would say it’s energy sort of eclipses (seasonal astrology pun time!) the 5 of Pentacles and remember Majors come up for our soul’s evolution so it’s the one to watch. 2. The biggest invite Strength offers is to remember being in alignment or integrity is not easy and it means doing the hard thing when we do not want to. 3. Make a list of 5 things you believe to be magical about yourself and then do a lil audit of does your life support these things? Are your relationships in service of your magic? Is your work? It’s okay if it isn’t but I would say the relationships part is more important. Tarot cares less about your bills and more about your interior life so lets focus more on are you surrounding yourself with people who feed your magic or doubt it?
Both of these cards are really asking how do you benefit from victimhood and playing small? What aspect of yourself is that keeping safe and could you protect it a different way that serves you in a more whole way? I mean probably, I know there’s truth to that for me. Let me know if there is for you.
xx. A
Some Spring Things:
Really enjoyed this book, on the surface it seems like a fun romp about women and college but Kiley Reid is masterfully talking about class, money and race.
Took my brother to see Hanif Abdurraquib read from his new book and prior we had an excellent dinner prior at Rucola, and then went to have our hearts blown wide open by Hanif. Have to say it was special to share this with my brother. When you get a lil gem moment savor it.
An obituary I could barely believe. Heiress to expert bomb maker.
My mom gave me Diana Athill’s memoir Somewhere Near the End she wrote at 89, and it’s made me want more tales from the elders. I feel flooded by the youth’s voice and this article gave me some wise women to read.
I finally watched Jury Duty, loved it. I hope Ronald gets whatever he wants out of life. Watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith and loving it? I never saw the original movie but the TV series is a departure and one I am into.
I have been working on these golden eggs for my mom and brother for months. Collecting little treasures and prezzies to fill them with. Most people in my life wonder if I have truly lost it after purchasing a solid chocolate pink poodle and constantly mentioning the golden eggs but #noregrets. Excited to play a cross between Willy Wonka but not problematic and what I am calling the Easter Golden Goose on Sunday.
I can’t believe in April it’ll be a year since I adopted Gary. Thank fucking god for Social Tees, animals in general and this perfect creature coming into my life. He is snoring sitting on my feet right now so I can’t move and I am wildly uncomfortable and yet somehow that is perfection for me.
Tell me what’s new with you? What are you into? What’s something magical about you?
What is this deck? I'm interested. ❤️
Peace and love