Some thoughts
spoiler it's on guilt and suffering
I wanted to get this written before my friend
’s monthly meditation but alas did not. Bonus note about that, the way Gary snored through the meditation was a great guide as to how to let go and sink further in. I have no idea where he went but I do know he was thoroughly content there. Not to be a narc, but I don’t think when we were prompted to ask guilt some questions he was. I love the way Mari works, writing her newsletter about a theme, tying the meditation into it and really inviting you to sink into something and experience it with some dedicated space and embodiment. 10/10 no notes just meditation stoned.Mari’s meditation this month was about guilt something always worth exploring however my brain’s been thinking about suffering. I was with a friend Monday getting manis and pedis, definitely not suffering and we were discussing a recent conflict we’d had. She pointed something out to me and said, “There’s a mode you go into, that I know comes from a good place but it’s diagnostic.” I am not unfamiliar with this about myself and it’s one of those things that is a constant battle and navigation for me. Something she followed it with I have been thinking about since, she said, “I don’t think you always consider people may not be in the place to receive it, or that they don’t already know what the problem is.” These are both excellent and fair points, and it’s absolutely an area I can grow in.
However….what trips me up is I am so horny for ending suffering right now after having my own awakenings around it and bearing witness to other people’s suffering hurts me deeply in this moment. This is also free floating, its from a friend with a rough family situation right now to people in war torn areas, the suffering makes me physically uncomfortable. I’m not saying this like woe is me, it is I the true victim! It’s made me realize there are so few agreed upon truths and absolutes making our own even more important. If you can be clear about yourself you can be clear about where you end and begin. I don’t know that truth seeking in relationships is always what serves. I’m beginning to wonder is it finding a way to express soft truths that really strengthens relationships. It’s not a skill I have fully cultivated. I can be compassionate and kind for sure, but my delivery definitely can use some work.
Something this conversation helped me parse out was I feel a deep sense of guilt and like I am not being a true friend if I am not (at times brutally) honest. If I feel or can sense I have insight around something that harms you it eats away at me not to share it. That is where the work is for me, cause literally no one made that up but me. No one has said that’s the agreement and if anything I have a lot of evidence to the contrary. No one would be sad if it was retired.
There’s another piece…I am offering the diagnostics to say please change so I can feel safer around you. I was saying to this same friend I am in such a place lately of feeling very humble and very clear. What I also see is different forms of space being taken up. I have no clue how it will all shake out, but I appreciate more ways to be in conversation with myself to go what the fuck was that about anna and be able to answer.
I went to the New Museum to see the Judy Chicago show with Heidi of Moon and Bloom (pre-order her book it’s great) and it made me think about how the more I fill my life with outlets for self expression the less I really care about other people’s loops or feel the need to meddle. The more I try to figure out what the fuck I am here on this earth to do, say, and experience the less invested I feel in other people’s stories. It’s a reminder of the balance of internal versus external and where you’re being lead from.
It feels very this Martha Graham quote from Agnes De Mille’s book:
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. As for you, Agnes, you have so far used about one-third of your talent.” - Martha Graham, quoted in Dance to the Piper by Agnes de Mille
I don’t want to block my own quickening or channel especially fire hosing others with truths they may or may not want.
It’s weird to be moving away from a lot. I’m moving away from an old body, a career, a podcast, relationships, clothes, truly few aspects of my life are unscathed right now. I trust it. It feels right. It feels like a lot of chatter being quieted so I can be closer to whatever my own truths are. I am an excellent tarot reader but something I think about a lot lately is that good for me as a person? If I struggle to know when I am harming someone by revealing something to them is that the job I should have? Probably not. It’s also a bit why this pod is ending. I don’t want to sermonize. I really don’t and just because I can or people will listen doesn't mean I should. There’s nuance between using your voice and speaking from the pulpit. I haven’t fully discerned how to do that yet but I have become aware of when I feel it in my body.
I don’t really know the point of this today. I miss ya’ll and releasing things every Tuesday and being in conversation with you. I’m in like 4,000 writing classes so I figured why not write.
Tell me how do you feel about truth these days? How do you feel about it in relationships?
xx. A
Some things:
Speaking of career changes! I have launched my new creative cohort. I am BEYOND excited about this especially after my trip to Paris. Being in a city that celebrates beauty and creativity for the sake of it and how it aids our quality of life really felt good. ANYWAY, Paris doesn't need more PR but I do! What I want to do in this creative cohort is help aid people with feeling more comfortable in the creative process honing their own voice and realizing their creative pursuits outside the lens of capitalism. I’m down to brainstorm monetization but it’s not the goal. If this sounds intriguing to you happy to answer any questions or you can find info here on my site.
I’m working on a TV series idea, thanks to my incredible teacher Lauren Veloski and I am definitely fully using it as an excuse to buy books and while this one isn’t totally in the timeframe I’m working on I’ve been really into it. Something that really got me is how evocative this image is and once again we do not know who the woman is. She was used to illustrate how high the wheat was growing but my dude you couldn't jot a name down? If I’m buying books versus library’ing, I am doing so at alibris, which I love for their vast and very affordable array of used books. Some of my most recent batch have hilarious notes in them.
Another thing Lauren introduced me to was Elaine May! She is still alive, in her nineties, but did improv with director Mike Nichols in the 50’s and 60’s and we watched her 1971 hit A New Leaf. Color me charmed. Loved it, love her, also love Pluto TV where you can stream a lot for free if you’ll watch some commercials.
We also read and watched Lars and The Real Girl and what a good reminder on how indulging someone’s delusion can be a kindness and healing. It’s also available for free on Pluto.
Very into marbled notebooks. I mean always notebooks in general, these are spendy and honestly I wouldn’t have paid what I did if I hadn’t been too embarrassed to say no I cannot spend that on a notebook because there was no price on it. There’s a lot more affordable ones on etsy. I also discovered new to me Antoinette Poisson in Paris and got a beautiful notebook there I look forward to being much to precious to write in for at least 3-5 years.
New to me lil magazine My Kitchen Out of Eden’s that if I am following their lore correctly is a magazine a restaurant in Bangkok started putting out. Love a backstory. and wish I had bought all of the issues I saw at Antoinette Poisson. It’s beautiful and delightful.
What are ya’ll into right now? What feels fresh? What feels stagnant?